I promised I’d share a few photos and anecdotes from my trip to NYC.  Here you go!

1. I arrive at LaGuardia Airport. As I walk into baggage claim, a stylish woman immediately asks if she can photograph my outfit.

“I work in fashion,” she says.  ”I LOVE your neckline.”

She takes two photos, then says “welcome to New York” and briskly walks off.

I hope it’s not for a “What Not to Wear” style fashion blog.

2. We meet up with the reason for our trip: my brother in law, who is doing a fairly convincing “Quasimodo” impression here.

Not convinced?

Eh? Eh? (This is only funny because he normally looks nothing like Quasimodo in real life.  He’s a cutie…and he’s single, men!)

Anyway, we went to NYC to watch the debut of his first musical.  For privacy and simplicity’s sake, I will say that his show was performed in an off-Broadway theater.

You may feel free to join my students who are convinced that I went to see his show debut on Broadway…because in a few years, it will be there.

It was AMAZING.

He has grown so much as an artist over the years I’ve known him.  His musical had emotional pull, rich storytelling, and soaring music.  I recognized many of his influences, but his music was distinctly his own.  You WILL be hearing more about him.

3.  This photo sums up the weather while we were in NYC. 

It wasn’t exactly what I had pictured…or packed for.  (I packed for 75 to 80 degrees and sunny weather like weather.com had told me to!)  So I wound up with some entertaining outfits:

(I’m wearing a shirt, a sweater, D’s sweatshirt, his brother’s leather jacket, and my “don’t eff with me, I’m freezing” face)

And some entertaining hair captured on camera:

Luckily, we had one realllllly nice day where we took a walk on the Highline, an elevated railroad track-turned-walking-path.  I was obsessed!

(Forgive the country club look—I was getting sunburnt!)

If I lived in NYC, I think I’d go here a lot to walk, read, drink iced coffee…

…orr just hang out.

4. The best things we did (besides the show and eating lots of cupcakes) were:

Spending almost an entire day in Central Park

Visiting the MOMA

Having a date night with my sweet husband at a French restaurant
(he clearly loved his risotto!)

Seeing another AWESOME play.

Overall, I liked NYC! The city had a great energy.  I think I’m past the point in my life where I’d want to live there, but I understand why people like it.  Still, there’s no place like home.  <3

Have you been to NYC?!  What did you think? If you haven’t been, why not? (Before this trip, I never really wanted to go…it didn’t seem relaxing.  D thought I was crazy, but I wonder if anyone else can relate?)  

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water.

So building fires
requires attention 
to the spaces in between, 
as much as to the wood.

When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on logs,
then we come to see how
it is fuel, and the absence of fuel
together, that make fire possible.

We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.

Fire, by Judy Brown

I heard this poem this week at the conference during a talk on self-care, which is very important for all of us in a helping profession (we have to practice what we teach!)

As you know, I’m an introvert.  I need alone time—time to just be by myself, not talking with others or (as it often winds up) being the sounding board for other people’s inner monologue.  These openings of alone time, these spaces between the logs, are the only times I can completely “recharge” and be ready to enter the extroverted world again.

But in the last few weeks, I’ve had NO space between the logs. The weekend before I left for NYC, I worked all weekend.  Then I was in NYC with D’s extended family, all of us staying in the same hotel suite.  His parents followed us home (they are still here…) and I worked two frantically busy days at work before going on a business trip full of networking, meetings, and conversation.

Last night while I waited outside the airport for D to pick me up, the car traffic controller walked up to me and said “do you have a ride coming? You look really tired.”

Historically, I don’t always stand up for my inner introvert when others are involved. I’ve tried to just hoof it along with whatever the group is doing and make it work out even when it feels like it’s killing me.  But honestly, I just couldn’t do that this weekend.  As the traffic controller said: I’m tired.

So, D has taken his parents on a touristy trip for the whole day and I am alone for the whole day.  I have space.  I have time.  I have the house to myself and the freedom to do whatever I want.

I AM SO GRATEFUL.  And I need to remember that I’m the one that has to take charge for putting space between the logs.  No one else will do it for me.

How do YOU put space between the logs? 

I haven’t had time to post about NYC yet but I will! Here’s a sneak preview of how I felt about the city:

Anyway, I was only home for 3 days before heading to a conference in Pennsylvania.  It’s been a lot more touchy-feely than I anticipated for an academic conference, but that hasn’t been a bad thing.  One of the sessions I attended today was supposed to be on group facilitation.  It wound up essentially being a group therapy session (I almost CRIED) and I wanted to jot this thought from the session down before I forget it.

When I was younger, in 7th grade maybe, we took a personality test (similar to DISC or other assessments) in one of my classes.  It was pretty long  and at the end, we were assigned animals based on our personality types.  I was the “lion,” which we were told was the personality type most likely to be a leader.

There weren’t many lions in my class.  I didn’t really care for the other lions. And a lot of the lion traits seemed negative to me—things like taking charge, organizing groups around your idea, being inflexible, seeing the flaws in plans, being imbalanced and pushy, bossing people around, taking risks, and not being thoughtful.

As I looked around my class, I didn’t want to be a lion.  I felt ashamed to have this awful personality.  I was in 7th grade—I wanted to be free to be myself, and that was about as big as I could dream.  I didn’t want to be a leader to anyone else.  I remember that I was actually embarrassed to admit my animal out loud when our class discussed them.

I hid that leader identity inside of me for so many years.  Sure, I led myself…but I was never 100% comfortable “owning” the leader inside of me and letting others see it.

Recently, I showed “Mean Girls” to my students.  There’s this part where Lindsay Lohan says she feels like a warthog, and her dad reminds her: “you’re a lion.”  Instantly, my mind flew back to 7th grade and how much I didn’t want to be the lion.

Today at the conference, we were asked to select an image (from about 100 cards laid out on a table) that represented what life has been teaching us lately. We were told not to question our first instinct and to select the image that called to us.

An image like this one struck me.  I picked it up.

I’m realizing more and more these days that I AM a lion.  God has MADE me a lion, and He has set me up in several places of leadership right now.  As a 7th grader, I didn’t really have the strength or desire to be a leader—but I’ve always had the “hardware” to do it.  And now God is ASKING me to do it.

I don’t have to personify the bad traits of a lion.  I can pray for His guidance and strength to be the good ones.

I think about what Mordechai said to Esther–”For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14)

It is no longer my time to stay silent, to shrink, to hide.  I’ve rebelled against my “leader” identity long enough.  It’s time for me to own it and to welcome it as part of myself.

There are still so many situations in my life that require courage—courage and strength that I’m not sure I have.  But in the areas where I DO have courage, God is calling me to lead.  And maybe in the areas that scare me, He’ll call someone to help lead ME.

Do you feel like you’re a courageous person? Do you feel like you’re a leader?

I just got back last night from my first trip to New York City.  I’ll write way more later (when I have D’s photos uploaded) but I wanted to stop in and say: it is WAY more fun to go on vacation in a city like NYC when you can eat cupcakes without wanting to kill yourself!

(Photo source)

More to come soon! In the meantime, if you’re one of my readers in recovery, keep on going…there’s a cupcake with your name on it somewhere <3

I feel like I am on wisdom overload.

If you had been following me around for the last 24 hours with a notepad and a pen and writing down everything I had said, you would have a really good self-help book on your hands.  And the world would have a new role model…a really modest role model.  Because really.  I’ve said some pretty awesome stuff that made me sound really intelligent and wise  (<–much like that incredibly articulate sentence I just wrote.)  

I’ve inspired a coworker, I’ve encouraged a friend, I’ve spoken assertively and decisively in the midst of a challenging relationship.  I even got my dog to come out of the yard on the first “Java! Come!” without having to progress to my usual I-statements (“I feel upset when you don’t come.  I want you to come right now”) or guilt trip lecture (“I care for you! I feed you! I take you on WALKS! and this is how you repay me?!!“)

What I’m about to say, though, shatters my encroachment on Yoda’s territory. That’s probably the most atrocious sentence I’ve ever written, so I correct myself.  What I JUST SAID shattered any illusions that I might be smart. (Stream of consciousness writing is fun!)

AHH I feel so off track with my original post idea.  And this is my problem. I CAN’T WRITE THIS MONTH.  Which basically means that I can’t tie up ANY of the loose ends in my mind.

I have things I want to say, like how I realized I can be a giant jerk (and so can D) when we spent an ENTIRE WEEKEND two weeks ago fighting about a stupid bed frame like something from When Harry Met Sally.  Or how I wish I knew if I was being a good manager, because I THINK I am but no one really tells their boss how she’s doing.  Or how I can’t believe my little sister is getting married, and looking at her bridal registry of how she’s going to decorate her freaking HOUSE feels surreal.  Or that I’m so grateful that God took a burden off of me and that He’s teaching me about my limitations.  Or how much I appreciate His ability to help me forgive myself for my faults and just MOVE ON.

I WISH I could write about some of the things on my heart.  I wish that I could be articulate.  But dang it, I’ve wasted my wisdom and articulate-ness on others! <–(see? I did it again…a horridly constructed sentence about how articulate I am! IRONY!)

So this is my promise to myself: when I don’t feel so overstimulated, I’m going to spend some time with myself.  I’m going to sit and give myself the attention that I need.  I’m going to ask the questions I need to ask myself, and take my time to find the wisdom that I need to answer them.  And even though I usually process through writing, I’ll be patient if it doesn’t work and take the time to find something that DOES.

Does anyone else ever struggle with feeling like you have energy for everyone else’s thoughts and processing but not your own? What do you do to avoid getting to that point? Does any of this even make sense?

(Edited to add: I’m not going crazy…I promise!)

It’s been a fun month.  From a dear friend’s bachelorette party

to her wedding

to two weekends in a row with my family (visiting from Minnesota—look how big my sister’s getting!!)

to birthday parties, dinner dates, and last night’s hilarious babysitting gig for a child who told us that Satan gives him presents…

to say it’s been “fun” would be an understatement.

Throughout the month, I’ve developed a few new obsessions:

-trying to spend as much time as possible outside before my reverse SAD kicks in (some people get depressed in the winter—I get depressed in the Florida summers!) 
-Pinterest, apparently
-the songs “We Are” by Kari Jobe, “What a Savior” by Laura Story, and “Your Great Name” by Natalie Grant
-the Hunger Games!!!

(Hunger Games fans will get the significance)

This month, I’ve also been going mostly makeup free.  I am generally opposed to bandwagons,* but Caitlin Boyle’s “Naked Face Project” came at a good time for me.

*she says right after discussing her obsession with Pinterest and The Hunger Games

I’ve never been a heavy makeup user (unless you count high school dances…my high school “smoky eye” look was something else!)

Throughout high school and college, my skin was pretty flawless.  I put on eye makeup, blush, some lip gloss, and called it a day.

However, when I moved to Florida, I felt pressure to look like an older, professional, pretty and put together adult, so I began a somewhat elaborate Bare Minerals routine.  Originally, makeup helped me feel more confident in myself, especially when I started struggling with adult acne.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, this morphed into a compulsion that I “have” to wear makeup or I look ugly. I found myself putting makeup on before I went anywhere, even if I was running late.  I found myself feeling “naked” without it and making faces at my REAL naked face in the mirror.  I found myself apologizing to D for not having my makeup on.

It was starting to feel very unhealthy.

Plus, I wondered if my acne (which started, er, right around the time I started wearing Bare Minerals) was connected with my makeup use.  Whenever I tried to “detox” to find out, I would end up freaking out and going back to makeup.

But this month, I just decided to give it up for a while.  No official project, no official rules.  Just a little detox.

It’s been great.  I’ve been on time more often, my skin is looking clearer (even with weekend sunscreen use, which used to throw my skin WAY off) and I’m starting to get acclimated to my “real” face again.  While I still like the way I look with makeup on better than my “natural” face, I think I’m going to continue with my detox for a while.

I have so much more to say about my month, so look for another post soon!

How would you describe your relationship with makeup? 

A thought that has given me enormous peace over the last week:

“As you go through this day, trust me to provide the strength that you need moment by moment.  Don’t waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today’s journey.  My Spirit within you is MORE than sufficient to handle whatever this day may bring.  That is the basis for your confidence!”
—Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (if I haven’t hammered it home enough, buy this book!)

I can’t do everything, but with His help, I can do the important things.

And today, that includes setting up my Pinterest account.  Hello world!

I’ve been selected to answer another “Life Well Lived” prompt! The writing process on this one kind of made me chuckle.  The question says:

How do you put yourself first? How does taking time for yourself help make you happier?

As I contemplated my answer to this question on the couch, Java came and sat next to me.

When I didn’t pet her, she leaned on my arm.  I pet her for a while and felt her relax next to me.  It felt so nice to feel her sweet little body next to mine, but I had a blog post to write.

I resumed typing.  She waited a minute on my arm, then realized hey—you’re not coming back! 

She walked onto my keyboard.  Try and ignore me now! her actions said.  I need attention!

Java is good at getting what she needs. I think something in her personality or her conditioning tells her that she deserves it. Sometimes I call her a diva, but mostly, I’m impressed.  She doesn’t suffer silently.  She takes what she needs.

A lot of my friends tiptoe around expressing their needs.  But I have a few assertive friends who, like Java, just put it all out there.  And you know what? They usually get what they want faster, sooner, without all the stress and anxiety and self-judgment.

So why go through those things? If you need time alone, just ask for it.  If you need time to walk in the park, just take it.  If you need time with your book, just sit and read.  Work can wait.  Life is too short and you’re too important NOT to to do what you need!

Take it from Java.

For more answers to this topic, check out this post and leave your own ideas! To enter the Life Well Lived sweepstakes (a Kindle Fire and an Amazon gift card,) click here! To leave Java fan mail, leave a comment! (haha)

I have been having a really awesome time with my husband lately.  I could have NEVER anticipated that when I met him in 2004 that we’d be happily married in 2012.  The boy that smiled at me from across the dorm lounge on my first night in the dorm was just a boy with a nice smile.

When I got to know him, I realized he was a nice friend—and that was all he would ever be to me! I thought defiantly.

early 2005, right around the time we started dating 

Throughout our dating relationship, D was always more invested than I was.  I thought I didn’t need a boyfriend—and sometimes wasn’t sure I wanted one!—and I somewhat subconciously made him prove over and over again that he deserved this place in my life.

I have to admit, I got used to him.  I got used to having a best friend who listened to me, cared for me, was always willing to spend time with me, planned creative activities for me, bought me thoughtful gifts, cared about my family and my friendships and my dreams and my thoughts.

I got used to having a best friend who drove over to my apartment every morning in the winter and scraped the snow and ice off my car for me, who got a job specifically so he could take me nice places, who included me in everything fun he did, who convinced my close friends to pitch in to fly my best friend from Minnesota to Washington to cheer me up when I was having a rough winter.

In spite of all this, I continued to keep an emotional distance.  I didn’t want him to “tie me down” and I didn’t want to hurt myself by getting deeply attached and then having to move on because we wanted different futures.

Eventually, I realized that my future wouldn’t be as fun or as nice without him. I didn’t want the things I had thought I wanted if he couldn’t be there with me to enjoy them.

Surrendering your future and your heart to someone else was so scary to me. I know this is a natural and easy process for some people, but I have always valued my independence and it was really hard for me to admit that my future happiness might depend on someone else’s actions.

Even after getting married, I kept wondering, when is he going to realize who I really am and wish he hadn’t done this? And what happens to my happiness then? I kept waiting for the hurt to come, even though I tried to tell myself it wouldn’t.

Finally, almost 4 years into marriage, I am convinced that D knows who I really am—and I am convinced that he loves me because he shows me every single day.  I trust him not to hurt me—I have to! He shows me such open and trusting love that I have to give it back.  He deserves it!

Out of everything in my life, my marriage is what makes me the happiest.  I love every other relationship I have and am proud of my talents and my accomplishments, but I think my biggest accomplishment is that I am still best friends with my husband, that I give him my trust and love freely, and that we genuinely enjoy one another so much.

Golfing last weekend

Kind of cheesy, but it’s what I was thinking about this morning!

“There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.” –Martin Luther

Everyone and their mother has tagged me in this blog meme recently. And by that, I mean 3 people. I’m so popular.

Anyway, I know it’s not high quality blog fodder, but I love reading other people’s answers to memes and doing them is SO FUN, so thanks everyone for the enabling! I’m not following all the rules…but I will answer the 11 questions Dawn posed to me!

What is your greatest dream in life?
I want to make a difference in our world.  I know I have, so I feel content in that goal.

I want to live with joy and passion, using the gifts God has given me to the best of my abilities. I want to be the best “Sarah” I can be. This is a decision I have to make daily (and a pressure I have to surrender daily…because I can’t do this alone. I have to do it in partnership with Him!)

Finally, I want to parent together with my husband and watch our children grow to know, love, and serve the Lord.

In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
I am happily married to a wonderful Christian man, I have maintained my faith, I am continually surprised by God’s graciousness, I have a house I enjoy living in, I am actually a quirky and cool person (never saw that coming!), and the people I love are healthy and happy right now.

In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
The Colbert Report has not come knocking. They’re missing out on some comedy gold! Seriously, there have been some crazy plot twists I didn’t see coming in my life, but as the wise philosopher Darius Rucker once said, “thank God for all I missed, ’cause it led me here to this.” Actually, he’s said that numerous times and I’m kind of getting sick of it, but the principle holds true.

If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
The first piece of advice would be not to limit me to one piece of advice. Duh! From there, I would suggest starting a coffee habit and learning how to reframe. Finally, I would offer them a piece of advice I write down for students who are struggling with their self identity: “I define myself.” Take ownership of yourself.

What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
Favorite: straightening!!! I love clearing the horizontal spaces in my house (tables, counters, floors.) It’s so satisfying!

Least: apparently grocery shopping, since I’m supposed to be doing that right now.

What is your favorite recipe to make?
I like making homemade pizzas and salads, mostly because I can be REALLY creative and they still turn out great! I hardly ever make them the same twice. Desserts have to be so precise and fish is so high stakes. Casseroles have huge potential for failure if I slap random stuff together. So yeah. Pizza and salad. Buon giorno!

Do you have a movie that you could read/see many times over and still love?
Anne of Avonlea! The Sound of Music! Gone With the Wind! Apparently I love epic movies…

Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
This is a fantastic question. I think my parents influenced me the most for the first 20 years of my life. When I was 20, I went through a crisis situation that involved everyone in my life, but mostly my parents and D.  As I walked through that, I began to involve D in my life in the way that God intended sole mates to be involved. D has supported me through literally EVERYTHING I have been through over the last 6 years and, more than anyone during the last 6 years, has helped me determine who God is calling me to be. My parents continue to be very involved in my life and I know they are always supporting me with their prayers and love.  I am so grateful that they have encouraged D and me to form our own family, and have supported and walked us through our decisions.  If I can be half the person my parents are, I will be a really great person!

What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here! no I’m this but…… comments!)
Heh!
1. I am finding this difficult.
2. I am talking myself out of of my answers (there are exceptions to all of the positive things I can think of!)
3. I am a somewhat decent puppy mom!
4. Seriously, this is a bit lame!
5. I thought about this for the last 24 hours and I came up with answers. I am a hard worker, I am optimistic and do a great job of using coping skills and reframing when situations are hard, and I don’t let myself stay selfish once I realize I’m being selfish.

What are you most thankful for in your life?
Well, I cry every time I hear this song…I think that points to an answer. I’m legitimately grateful for EVERY blessing God has given me, but the best one by far has been is His presence through every struggle, every day. I’m so glad He is “The God who sees / the One who rescued me” and that He’s “there, always there…walking with me all this time.”

What is the best advice you have ever received?
“Hard work pays off.” It does, in every area of life, and it’s really satisfying.

Well, that was fun! Join me and answer one or or all of these questions in my comments section or on your own blog (if you go that route, post a link! I’d love to read your answers!)